rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
