dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
A bitchslap is in order.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
