She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
