just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She announced her abortion via fbk
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
