i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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