final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
