Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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