Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
