If i come over, it means nothing
You can't motorboat a personality
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
