your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
