Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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