I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
