that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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