the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
