I puked a lego.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
