he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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