Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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