THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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