We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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