I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
