Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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