420 ftw
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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