Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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