i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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