Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
