he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
