apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
