you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You are a genius and a whore.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
