Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize