He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
