cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
