hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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