I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You have to summon your inner elephant
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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