Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I can feel your judgement through the phone
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
