Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
