i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
