why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
