i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
