I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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