well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
