Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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