woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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