chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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