Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
