my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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