Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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