I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
