Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
