I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
