guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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