I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
