Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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