Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
