you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize