My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
