Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
