Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
