But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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