Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
