I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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