when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
