I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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